white people

5 Best Products on The Web for Privileged White People


Excuse me while I exercise my white privilege! For those of you born in the zip codes that require a minimum 3 cars per home, 2 cellphones per person and a country club membership this is the The Web list for you. Why should you be ashamed that your great grandpap started an empire on the backs of less privileged immigrants? Now you get to enjoy the fruits of their labor. We are all living the American dream, but white people are on cloud nine. Enough with the white guilt, I say stock up on the best products The Web has to offer to privileged white folks and make sure to flaunt it too!

#1: Scotch Infused Toothpicks

Scotch Infused Toothpicks

After finishing with your grilled steak dinner sit back and relax with one of these toothpicks. Made by white people for white people. This smoky flavored toothpick will bring back all the sweet memories of how you were not pulled over by that cop for speeding. This is soaked in premium Scotch for premium folks who live premium lives. All the times you were hired without an interview are the reason you can afford these epic toothpicks. So pick away White man.

#2: Automatic Car Umbrella

Automatic Car Umbrella

So many reasons to protect your luxury vehicle. First of all, the rain is going to get in the way of the custom paint job you worked so hard to pay for. The rain doesn’t have a right to touch your white privileged car. Also, your beautiful family needs to get into the car in the perfect temperature, G-d forbid if it’s too hot in the car. And when you need to drive past those not so decent neighborhoods this will protect you from the constant falling trash, because we all know it rains trash in non-white neighborhoods.

#3: Two Person Indoor Sauna

Two Person Indoor Sauna

Bask in the glory of your own Sauna. Yes, only your white feet will step inside this glorious wooden box. Just keep an eye out for Esperansa when she comes to clean on Tuesdays. Sitting in this Sauna will help you sweat away all the guilt the media has projected your way. So what if your dad started a successful real estate empire, you worked hard to get this Sauna!

#4: Kahuna Full Body Massage Chair

Kahuna Full Body Massage Chair

The way to start and end your day is in this chair reading the Wall Street Journal and sipping on a cup of whiskey. This chair has signature dream-wave technology that provides an undulating figure-8 motion that balances the body and delivers complete relaxation.

#5: Underwater Personal Motorized Jet Propellant

Underwater Personal Motorized Jet Propellant

Perfect for the Haaarvard folks who are sick and tired of Manhattan life and want a little vacay. Just grab one of your scuba diving gear sets and set off for your Island by the Caribbean. Larry Ellison will be waiting for you when you get there. Streaming underwater will remind you of the easy life you have at home, except instead of being surrounded by pleebs on the subway you will be surrounded by colorful marine life.

All of these products and more can be found on crazycoolshit.com